The TV Show
by Lone Wolfette
Summary: The boys get parts in a TV show.
1. Default Chapter Title

The TV Show 

ONE

the Pizza Bowl

A director is watching actors audition. Mr. DeFazio 

is behind the counter, at the cash register.

"Ugh... can't any of you get this scene right!?" the 

director yelled and tossed the script on a nearby 

table. He went over to Mr. DeFazio and said, "I'm 

really sorry, but if I can't find two guys for these 

roles, I won't be able to pay you for the use of your 

establishment."

Mr. DeFazio shook his hand and said, "It won't be the 

first time." He turned and walked away, mumbling 

something in incomprehensible Italian... or maybe it 

was English?

The director turned back to the would-be actors and 

said, "Two idiots could do this scene!"

"Hello!" Squiggy said, barging in with Lenny right 

behind him.

The director looked at Lenny and Squiggy and asked, 

"Have you two ever acted in anything?"

Squiggy walked up to him and said, "We was 

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum in 'Alice In 

Wonderland'."

"Yeah, I was Tweedle-Dum..." Lenny added.

"I was 'Dum'!" Squiggy argued.

"Yes, you were," Lenny agreed and sat at one of the 

tables.

"How would you guys like to audition for a TV show?" 

the director asked.

Lenny looked at him. "Us?... a TV show?..."

"We accept!" Squiggy said, shaking the director's 

hand.

TWO

Laverne & Shirley's apartment, the next day

The girls are just waking up.

The alarm went off. Laverne knocked it to the floor 

and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Shirley sat up. "Laverne! I am not going to let yu 

take off another day from work just because you have 

a sore throat!"

Laverne rolled over and glared at Shirley and, in a 

horse voice, mumbled, "Shirl, I don't feel good and I 

don't feel like gettin' sicker by goin' to the 

brewery and bein' crowded by a bunch of other sick 

people who have friends like you!"

"Hello!?" Squiggy yelled from their living room.

"Get rid of them!" Laverne grumbled, horsely, and 

rolled back over.

"All right, all right!" Shirley said. She got up, 

grabbed her robe, and went into the living room and 

found the boys sitting on the couch. "What are you 

doing here at this time of morning?..."

"Big news..." Lenny started.

Squiggy cut him off. "We been hired as actors in a 

TV show!"

Shirley crossed her arms. "Sure... and I'm dating 

Paul Newman!" she said, walking over to the kitchen.

Lenny turned to Squiggy and said, "I didn't know she 

was datin' Paul Newman!"

Squiggy cringed, got up, and went towards the 

kitchen, "Shirley Wilheminy Feeney! You callin' me a 

liar?!"

"Yes... yes, I am," Shirley said, sitting down at the 

kitchen table.

Squiggy took the other seat at the table. "Just for 

that, we ain't gonna let ya help us rehearse... 

What?!" Squiggy said.

Shirley was looking past him. Her mouth dropped 

open.

Squiggy turned to see what she was looking at and saw 

that Lenny was sitting on the couch. He looked at 

Shirley and said, "I guess we'll be rehearsin' with 

Laverne..." he paused, "Lenny already is."

Shirley jumped up and ran towards the bedroom. She 

stopped at the door just in time to see Laverne slap 

Lenny. Shirley pushed past him as he was leaving the 

room and sat next to laverne on her bed and the two 

began mumbling.

Lenny walked into the living room, holding a hand on 

his cheek.

Squiggy got up, went over to him, and said, "Atleast 

you got to rehearse!"

THREE

later that day

Shirley has just gotten home from the brewery. She 

opened the door and saw Laverne sitting on the couch, 

laughing. "Laverne!? What are you doing?"

Laverne turned to look at her and, still laughing, 

said, "This is the funniest thing I've ever read!"

Shirley came up to the couch and Laverne gave her the 

boys' script. She looked at it. "Lenny and Squiggy 

weren't joking... This is a real script!"

Laverne grabbed it from her. "I only made it to page 

sixteen..." She flipped through the pages and stoppd 

at seventeen and began reading. She got a quarter of 

the way down the page and stopped. "Shirl! You 

gotta read this!"

Shirley looked at her skeptically. "I am not going 

to read anything you point out. Knowing you, it's 

probably something smutty!"

"Hello!" Squiggy said, throwing the door open. he 

and Lenny came in and sat down on either side of 

Laverne.

Lenny took the script from Laverne. "I was wondering 

where we left this."

Squiggy grabbed it from Lenny. "You was readin' 

this?"

Laverne cleared her throat, but still said horsely, 

"I only got a quarter of the way down page 

seventeen... It's hilarious!"

"Why don'tcha come with us and sit in the audience?" 

Lenny asked.

"Why would they wanna do that? They wouldn't know a 

good comedy if it slapped them in the face!" Squiggy 

said.

Lenny glared at him.

"We'll go!" Shirley answered, suddenly. "Now, would 

you two mind getting out of here," she said. She 

went over and opened the door for them.

The boys got up, went to the door, and stopped.

"Clean yourselves up and we'll go to the studio," 

Squiggy said, turned, and went up the stairs.

"And try to look as good as we do!" Lenny added, 

turned, and slammed the door behind him.

Laverne looked at Shirley. "You're gettin' soft." 

She got up and went into the bedroom to change.

"I am not getting soft!" Shirley mumbled to herself. 

"I just wanted to get rid of them!" she said and went 

into the bedroom.

FOUR

the TV studio

The director is shouting at the lighting crew in 

incomprehensible German... or maybe it was 

English?

The boys walk onto the set with the girls right 

behind them. Laverne is taking picture of 

everything.

"Laverne, stop that!" Shirley told her, trying to 

grab the camera.

The director walked over to greet the boys. "I see 

you bought your own fan club... Say, they'd be 

perfect for this show!"

The girls stopped fighting over the camera.

"You mean we can be in this, too?" Shirley asked.

Laverne clicked a picture of the director. "He knows 

talent when he sees it!"

Shirley leaned closer to Laverne and whispered, "Then 

why did he hire Lenny and Squiggy?"

"He was desperate," Laverne answered.

The director showed them around the studio.

Laverne clicked another picture. "This looks so 

real!"

"Scene four!" the director yelled.

Shirley leaned closer to Laverne and whispered, "Did 

you read scene four?"

"I didn't get past the second," Laverne answered.

The girls looked at the boys. Squiggy had a big grin 

on his face and Lenny looked a little pale.

The director took the boys to another part of the set 

that had an outside view of a window with a 

one-foot-wide ledge. It was set on a platform and 

was raised ten feet off the ground. A member of the 

crew carried a ladder over and propped it up against 

the set.

"Let's see if we could possibly get this in one 

take!" the director yelled. He went over to Lenny 

and began to push him towards the ladder.

"No! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!" 

Lenny yelled, digging the heels of his boots into the 

floor.

Squiggy came up next to him and said, "Just don't 

look down. The worst that can happen is if ya fall, 

you land on the floor insteada the mats!"

The director stopped pushing him and Lenny ran 

straight into the bathroom, holding a hand over his 

mouth.

The director threw his arms up. "I give up! I need 

a stunt double... or a drink, whichever comes first."

FIVE

the girls' apartment, the next morning

A knock is heard.

"Girls."

Laverne staggered out of the bedroom. "What!? I'm 

sick! I don't wanna..." She opened the door.

Lenny is standing at the door and is looking very 

pale.

"Lenny? What're you doin' here?" Laverne asked. 

"You're gonna catch whatever I got..."

"Too late," Lenny told her. He walked over to the 

end of the couch and flopped down on it face first. 

"I just don't wanna be alone," he mumbled into the 

cushion.

Laverne walked towards the couch. "Heh, Squiggy's at 

the studio and Shirley's at the brewery... and we're 

here... sick... together... Whatta life!"

Lenny moaned into the cushion, "Shirl's at the 

studio..." He trailed off.

"Huh? What's you say?" Laverne asked. No answer. 

"Len?" she said. She knelt on the floor and shook 

his shoulder. Nothing. "Len?" she said again, this 

time receiving a snore. Laverne stood up and walked 

towards the bedroom. "I wish I could fall asleep 

that fast."

SIX

ten minutes later

"SHIRLEY"S AT THE STUDIO!?!?" Laverne screamed. She 

jumped up, out of bed and ran nto the living room, 

towards the couch. She began shaking Lenny.

Lenny moaned, then stirred. "What?" he whined.

"It's no time to whine... Did you say that Shirl was 

at the studio?" Laverne asked.

Lenny looked at her, his eyes blank. "I did?"

"That's what I'm askin' YOU!" Laverne said, beginning 

to shake him again. "Don't confuse me!"

"Well, don't shake me! I don't wanna feel like I'm 

on a tilt-o-whirl..." Lenny said, trying to make her 

stop shaking him.

Laverne let go. "Sorry, now, did you say that 

Shirley was at the studio?'

Lenny looked down at the cushion, then sneezed. He 

sniffed. "Yeah... I said that... You got a tissue?"

"Are you sure this time?" Laverne asked, handing him a 

tissue.

Lenny blew his nose, then said, "Yup, Squig left a 

note sayin' he and Shirl went to the studio."

Laverne thought for a moment, then came to the 

conclusion, "Shirl must not be feelin' too good 

either!" She paused, "Oh, I'm too sick to run after 

her... but if Squig tries to pull anythin'..." She 

looked at Lenny, "Are you listenin' to me?"

Lenny snored.

"Some answer," Laverne mumbled and went back into her 

bedroom.

SEVEN

later that afternoon

We see the inside of the girls' apartment, but hear words from outside the apartment.

"Will you leave me alone?!" Shirley asked, loudly.

"Why should I? This is all your fault!" Squiggy accused.

The door to the girls' apartment flies open. Shirley barges in, with Squiggy right behind her.

"So we were fired! That script was horrid!" Shirley said. She looked over at the couch. "What's he doin' here!?" She pointed at Lenny, who was still laying face down on the couch.

Laverne came out of the bedroom. "Can't you be a little quieter? I'm tryin' to sleep, here!"

Shirley pointed at Lenny again.

"You're not gonna wake him up!... But you woke me up!... What are you two arguin' about, anyway?" Laverne asked.

"She got us fired!" Squiggy said, accusingly.

Laverne held back a laugh. "Shirl?! You're kiddin', right?"

"No... we... I got us fired," Shirley said.

"How'd you do that?... What'd you do to do that?" Laverne asked.

Shirley went towards Laverne. "Let's go into the bedroom. Then I'll explain... Because I don't wanna Squiggy say that I got us fired again!"

The girls went into their bedroom.

Squiggy went over behind the couch and mumbled, "She got us fired!"

"How'd she do that?"

Squiggy freaked. he jumped away from the couch, holding a hand over his heart(?). "Lenny! Don't do that!... I thought you was dead."

Lenny picked up his head and said, "Thanks for the compliment, Squig." He dropped his face into the cushion again.

  
Stay tuned for part 2!


	2. Default Chapter Title

Part 2 

EIGHT

the girls' bedroom

They are just entering the room.

"Okay," Laverne said, hoarsely, "how'd you get 

fired?"

Shirley sat down on her bed, "It wasn't really my 

fault... I found something in the script that I 

didn't like. So I tried to get the director to 

change it, but all he did was yell... in German! He 

changed over to English just in time to tell us we 

were fired."

Laverne thought for a moment, then said "That don't 

make sense! So ya found somethin' wrong with the 

script! Why didn't ya just deal with it?"

Shirley looked at her. "I couldn't just deal with 

it. That wouldn't be fair... Lenny didn't deal with 

it..."

"Of course not. He can't even go up a step ladder 

without gettin' light-headed!" Laverne said, cutting 

her off.

"There's no sense in this... Me explaining this to 

you... You'd rather defend Lenny than me..."

"Wait a minute, Shirl! I only mentioned that to make 

a point!" Laverne argued.

"Then why is he on our couch?!" Shirley cried. She 

buried her face in her pillow.

"Shirl?" Laverne asked. No answer. She got up and 

left the bedroom and went into the living room. 

Squiggy had left, but Lenny was still on the couch. 

Laverne knelt down by his head and tapped him on the 

shoulder. Nothing. She began shaking him.

"Not again," Lenny said, weakly.

"Len, can't ya go back to your own apartment?" 

Laverne semi-pleaded. "I'll call Squiggy back down 

to help ya..."

"Why can't I stay?" Lenny asked.

Laverne was silent. She didn't have a good reason. 

"Hold on a minute..." she said and turned towards the 

bedroom, "Shirl, get out here!"

Shirley came out of the bedroom.

"Shirl, Lenny wants to know why he can't stay here?" 

Laverne asked, relaying Lenny's question.

"Well..." Shirley staggered.

Laverne motioned for her to come closer. "Get over 

here!"

Shirley moved closer.

"Look at him... He hasn't moved all day!" Laverne 

told her.

Shirley tried desperately not to meet Lenny's eyes, 

but the moment she did, she broke down. "Okay, okay, 

you can stay... for tonight. In the morning, 

out-you-go."

"Thanks, Shirl," Lenny whispered.

"Thanks, Shirl," Laverne repeated. She looked at 

Lenny. "You want 'nythin'?"

"Could ya get Jeffrey?" Lenny asked.

Laverne shuddered. "Okay... Shirl?"

"All right, all right, I'll go get him... it... 

whatever!" Shirley ageed and left.

"Anythin' else?" Laverne asked.

"Um... got 'ny Bosco?" Lenny asked.

NINE

the next morning

The girls' living room is pitch black.

The phone rings.

The girls' bedroom is also pitch black.

The phone stops ringing.

"Shirl, did you get the phone?" Laverne yawned.

"I thought you did," Shirley replied, yawning.

Both girls shot straight up in their beds and faced 

each other. They screamed.

"Where's my bat?" Laverne asked, looking for her bat.

"In the living room..." Shirley answered.

The girls argued for a few minutes and finally got up 

the courage to go into the living room.

Shirley sent Laverne out first. She poked her head 

and looked around.

"I don't see 'nyone," Laverne whispered.

"Hi, Laverne!"

Laverne screamed and fell back, knocking Shirley 

over, too. The two girls sat on the floor.

"LENNY! Don't do that!... my heart," Laverne said, 

trying to catch her breath.

"What are you doing?" Shirley asked, getting 

back up on her feet.

"Well, I..." Lenny said, motioning towards the 

bathroom.

"Nevermind," Shirley told him.

"What about the phone? We heard it ring," Laverne 

asked, standing up.

"Oh, the phone... That was Squig, he wanted me to 

give ya a message from Carmine," Lenny said.

The girls stared at him, waiting for the message. 

Nothing.

Laverne hit him in the arm. "What's the message?"

"Oh, right, he got a new job..." Lenny started.

"A new job? How wonderful! Did he say what it was?" 

Shirley asked.

"Squig said that Carmine said he's gonna come over 

later to tell you girls in person," Lenny said.

"I'm just so happy for him..." Shirley stopped.

"Shirl?" Laverne asked.

"Turn on a light," Shirley said.

"Okay." Laverne turned on a light.

Shirley let out a scream. "GET OUT!" She ran back 

into the bedroom.

Laverne turned and looked at Lenny. She began 

laughing and put her hand over her mouth and tried to 

say calmly, "Len, you forgot somethin'!"

Lenny looked at her, then looked down and realized he 

forgot that he wasn't wearing pants. He looked at 

Laverne again and said calmly, "I didn't forget my 

shorts."

TEN

a half an hour later

The girls are coming out of their bedroom, dressed 

for work. As they walk by the couch, they glare at 

Lenny. The girls sat at the kitchen table.

"He's gotta go," Shirley said. She got up, got a box 

of Cheerios and two bowls. She sat back down.

"Shirl, I'm not arguin' with you again about this," 

Laverne said, getting up. She got the milk from the 

fridge and grabbed two spoons. "If you want him 

outta here, you tell him." Laverne set the milk and 

the spoons on the table and got a glass and a bottle 

of Pepsi.

"Milk'n'Pepsi?" Shirley asked, making a face.

"What!? It takes the 'kuh' outta the milk and the 

'puh' outta the Pepsi! I already told ya that!" 

Laverne explained. "Well...?"

"Oh, all right," Shirley said, getting up again. She 

walked over to the couch and sat down next to Lenny, 

but bout a foot away from him. "Lenny, it's been 

great having you here, but I think it's time you went 

back to your own apartment."

Lenny stared at the TV the whole time she was talking 

to him and continued staring when he said, "I can't."

"Okay, that's... did you say you can't?" Shirley 

said.

"My keys are in my shoes," Lenny said, still staring 

at the TV.

Shirley gave up and got up. "Laverne, I'm going to 

work. I'll see you there." She headed for the door, 

opened it, stepped out, and slammed it behind her.

Laverne picked up her glass of milk'n'Pepsi, walked 

over to the couch, and sat down next to Lenny. She 

set her glass on the coffee table. "Why do you keep 

your keys in your shoes?"

Lenny turned away from the TV, looked at her, and 

scoffed, "Because they hurt my feet when I keep them 

in my boots."

A puzzled look came over Laverne's face.

Lenny grabbed the glass of milk'n'Pepsi and took a 

sip. he went back to staring at the TV, still 

holding the glass.

Laverne stopped wondering why Lenny keeps his keys in 

his shoes and blindly went for her glass. She sat 

back; she knew she brought it over with her. She 

looked to her left and saw that Lenny was holding the 

glass. "Len, can I have my glass back?" No answer. 

She waved her hand in front of his eyes.

Lenny grabbed her hand and looked at her. "What 

glass?"

"That glass," Laverne said, pointing at the glass.

Lenny looked down at his lap and saw that he was 

holding the glass between his knees. "Oh, that 

glass!" He picked up the glass and was about to give 

it to her when...

"Hello!" Squiggy said, barging in. He came up behind 

the couch, grabbed the glass, and took a drink. he 

realized what it was and sprayed it on Laverne and 

Lenny. "This needs some Bosco!"

ELEVEN

later, at thebreakroom in the brewery

The girls are sitting at their usual table and 

Shirley is ignoring Laverne.

"Shirl, talk to me!" Laverne pleaded. "I can't stand 

the silent treatment! Oh, c'mon, Shirl," she pleaded 

again. "You can't ignore me like I'm some annoying 

little brat...

"Hello!" Squiggy said, barging into the breakroom. 

He sat down next to Shirley. "Shirley?" No answer.

"She won't speak to anyone..." Laverne said.

"I got just the thing..." Squiggy said. He got up 

and opened the door to the breakroom. Lenny stood 

there holding a brown paper bag.

The boys went over and sat down - Squiggy next to 

Shirley and Lenny next to Laverne.

"Got a present for ya, Shirl," Lenny said, pushing 

the bag over in front of Shirley.

Shirley looked at it suspiciously.

"Open it..." Lenny started.

"It's from Carmine," Squiggy finished.

"Oh..." Shirley tore into the bag and found a silver 

chain.

"Look at that... it's so beautiful," Laverne said.

Shirley put the chain on and said, "A beautiful 

present from a beautiful person through two dofuses."

"That's dofi!" the boys said in unison, 

correcting Shirley.

TWELVE

the Pizza Bowl, early evening

Laverne and Shirley are sitting at a table eatin a 

pizza. The boys are at a nearby table. The girls 

are trying to ignore them.

"I wish Carmine would get here," Shirley said, 

dreamily.

"...This is one I call the 'double-foldo, 

backward-flippo'," Lenny said, curling his slice of 

pizza into a long U.

Squiggy sat in amazement as Lenny flipped the pizza 

into his mouth.

Then Lenny added, still chewing, "If ya do it right, 

you get the sauce up your nose and everythin'."

"Let me try that..." Squiggy said, grabbing a slice 

of pizza.

Laverne turned around in her seat and leaned towards 

the boys' table. "Hey, Len, don'tcha ever get tired 

of teachin' that trick to people? I mean, no one's 

done it right, yet." She turned back around and 

mumbled, "They never get sauce up their nose."

The boys made faces at her.

"Laverne, please don't encourage them..." Shirley 

began.

Carmine walked in and gave Shirley a hug, then said, 

"How's my AngelFace today?"

"I'm fine... I loved that silver chain!" Shirley told 

him, showing off the necklace.

"I knew you would," Carmine said. He pulled up a 

chair and sat between the girls.

"Carmine, what's your new job?" Shirley asked.

"You ain't workin' for that loan shark again, are 

ya?" Laverne asked.

"Well, Shirl, I got a part in a TV show," Carmine 

said, ignoring Laverne's comment.

"What TV show?" Laverne asked.

"Yes, the suspense is killing me, what TV show?" 

Shirley echoed.

Carmine ignored Laverne again, "That's the funny 

part. It's the one that the four of you got fired 

from."

Shirley glared at him, then yelled, "WHAT!?"

"You're kiddin'?!" Laverne said, in shock.

Carmine began laughing. "Gotcha!"

"Huh?" Laerne said.

"What... I... what do you mean?" Shirley staggered.

"It was all a joke. I figured you were upset over 

gettin' fired and all. So, I..." Carmine 

said.

"A joke!?" Shirley asked, angrily.

"Well, that's not all of it. I also did it because you both were mopin' because Laverne missed that week of work. This was all a set up!" Carmine said.

Suddenly, Squiggy began laughing. "We got you girls good!"

Lenny began giggling.

"What!? All three of you were in on this... What about that director?..." Laverne asked.

"A friend!" Lenny answered through his giggling.

"Everything?... Even Lenny being sick?" Shirley asked.

"Well, that was a little joke..." Lenny began.

"He got airsick on a ladder. So, we used that in our little prank!" Squiggy exclaimed.

"What ladder?" Shirley mumbled.

Laverne stood up. "Okay, I wanna know who's bright idea this was!"

The three guys looked at each other. They pointed at Shirley.

"And you thought I was a bad actress," Shirley said.

"I never said that..." Laverne whined. "This was your idea!? You put this whole thing together? Why would you do a thing like that?!"

"Well, you were sick for a week and I thought you needed to get up, do things, have some fun..." Shirley said.

"Have some fun, huh?" Laverne said, diving for Shirley. "I'm gonna get you for this!"

Shirley ran out of the Pizza Bowl, with Laverne on her heels.

Carmine's smile faded. "Gee, I feel kinda bad now."

"Don't feel bad, Carmine..." Squiggy began.

"Yeah, Shirley runs faster than Laverne," Lenny finished.  


THE END :)~


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